Leaving my footprints.

Looking back on some of the decisions I have made over the past few years, sometimes I wonder if I never knew myself at all. There were moments when I was able to say, yes, this is me, who I am, who I shall be. Then there were those moments where I was afraid to admit that those actions may actually be the true definition of who I am.

Today, I did not feel a single one of those moments. The opportunity to go to Alaska has presented itself yet again. This time I know that it is the right direction for my life, and that I truly belong somewhere else than here. India was a journey I should have taken, I know that now. But I live my life in full belief that everything truly happens for a reason.

I have been living my life in a state of "uninspiration." A very dark place for me to be, because I am usually able to find inpiration in hope of the smallest of things. Sunshine, childs laughter, a new book, circles, Lake Superior, even my own day dreams. I have realized though that this lack of passion, drive and creation may be because lately I have been simply drifting along on my own journey. Not allowing myself to truly drown for my very life. Letting others live the perfect, tragic and basic moments for me. Doing as they do, loving when they love, losing when they were already gone....

Never have I been the one to let others control my life. I let this happen in the last few months. Now I am awake and vow to never let my life become a puppet in someone elses again. I guess you can say it was time for me to stop being the camera man and start being the director and leading role in my own life.

Do you ever wonder if a risk, is just a stupid, immature way of being selfish? After all, I want to go to Alaska, I want to move to Seattle, I want to leave this place in the dust for something better. That always illusive greener grass, on the other side of course.

Is it wrong to have the desire to forget parts of your own past? Often for me it is the parts where I chose wrong, opened that 3rd door instead of the 1st. Not that I have done much without my own support, but somedays I just wish I could take back some of the moments where I had to learn, so that I could have just lived.

I have begun to admit to myself that somethings, I just need to seriously take a breath and let go of. Some started as new years resolutions, and others are just simply the reality that I have been avoiding. Call this my own personal purging of nightmares, fears, and moments gone to the tragic...

Waiting for my father to be a part of my life. It hasn't happened, it never was meant to be, it will never happen. I must stop grasping on to the idea that one day he will wake up a changed man and want to be the man he was supposed to be in my life.

Being mad at my mother for not talking to me about my father. Obviously that part of her past hurts her, and I should not want her to relive her pain so that I may one day be able to let go of mine.

Hoping, wishing, wanting our friendship to be what it used to be. I broke the puzzle, lost the pieces and there is no way for us to find our way together again. I will always hope for you.

Crying during movies. (yeah right, I will always do this. its a part of who I am)

Being upset because I chose the wrong college in the wrong place the first time around. Mistakes are a token part of every life. This is one I can make right the second time.

Letting my dreams scare me. Just because they feel impossible today, does not mean that tomorrow I cannot take a single step towards the possibility of my future.

Believing that who someone appears to be on the surface truly defines who their true soul equates them to me. The book should never be judged by its cover. People should not be trusted on the superficial level.

Dying my hair so that I do not look like my mother. She is beautiful, part of me is part of her. Might as well embrace that now, after all she has aged well. I love her.

Not being my brothers older sister. Sometimes I have to realize that I am not the bestfriend, and do have a responsibilty to be an influental part of their lives and help them to become the best possible versions of themselves.

Allowing myself to feel broken, ashamed, afraid, lost, unwanted or meaningless because of the latest boy I attempted to give my everything too. There will be one someday, that will see me for who I truly have always been. Until then, I will keep on kissing the frogs I suppose.

Of course with all of things I have to let go of. Some I will always hold on to.

My full range of emotions. Call me dramatic, call me extreme, call me a mess. Yet living my life in a variety of emotions allows me to feel.

Reading everything, two, five, eleven times. If I loved it the first time chances are I will find my way back to reading it again. Simply as a reminder of the things that mean something.

Wanting to have a close family, and a place to call home. Even though I have only ever laid my entire life down in two places it is nice to know that at least one should always be there for me to return to.

Listening to Jake Walden when I write. His music offers me the sense of clarity that I need when the world has gotten to me, and I have lost my own hope in it all.

Conserve School. The place, although it has begun to fade will always hold my most defining moments. The foundation for who I have become to this point, are there. The people are the ones I count on, and know will always take care of my heart and soul when it is needed. Our dream, our school, our future.

My passion for writing. I may never become a best seller, or make it in the outdoor/nature writing circut. But I have to try. (Yes, this is a dream I am very much of afraid of.)

Appreciating things that may be a bit old fashion. 1st editions of books, bicycles, real photographs, black and white movies, cds, bottles of soda, wall paper, acoustic guitars, the meaning of family, and the truth of love.

The desire to leave this all behind. I will never be content with living my life until I have attempted the things I have always wanted to. This includes, but is not limited to....

sky diving, going to outer space, wanting a to name someone daisy, traveling india, italy, alaska, tibet, iceland, korea, germany, sailing for months, becoming a wind energy tech, writing a whole book, learning how to bake like my dayma, bungee jumping, backpacking for a year, starting and finishing an actual college degree, making my own clothes, growing my own food, being unafraid to cry infront of people, acting, playing my guitar, and even, being able to have pride in the life journey I choose to take.

For now I can be content knowing that I have the strength to turn the next page in my life, and the ability to know that at the end of it all, I will be simply me.


Leaving only footprints.