Lyrics with out music (haven't touched the good ole fender in a month), is just poetry. So here are bits, and I mean bits of what I have been working on.
Insecurites are my hero
the deepest honesty in a person is hidden, with their flaws
i will spend my whole life being tragic, rather then striving for your version of perfect
my world was changed the moment he kissed my soul
i cannot change myself, but if i can be the one person to change you, then i have lived a full life
in the moments of grey, the shadows of hurt and the call of the broken hearted....you were my sunshine, you were my aid, but i pushed you down...thats life when you are afraid
it was never about me and you, it was about the versions we never were and never could of been
i may never be over you, but i will look past you...
if you want the girl to fix you then its this version of me...if you want to be wounded thats always going to be her...you just have to realize that girl is she, and she is too much of me...
when the world finally breaks, i want to be able to remember every line that there ever was on your face
when you lie, i will leave...if you leave, then i will lie.
if this is who i used to be, i am not quite sure i want to know who i am going to be
in the world where everyone lives to be perfect, i will just be struggling to be broken
somewhere in the midst of it all i forgot to hold on, i forgot to cling tight, now i will always be falling
this morning i woke up, looked at you and realized we had been playing games with each other for far too long
if i had a time machine, i would go back to that moment where you wanted a yes, and all i could muster was my pathetic idea of a no...
i cant be ashamed of my past, and i cant hide the crazy...what you see is what you get. this is all i have to give from me to you
fighting with you is just like staring myself in the mirror, no one looks and no one listens
the possibilty to fail will always be present...but the opportunity to succeed isnt...
how can we believe in truth, love, happiness and music...when all the world wants is lies, hate, materials and silence....
where were you when my world broke, when the pieces shattered, and i let you go
how often have we wished for each other, but settled for another?
so there you have it, none of them linked to the other one. none of them complete...just random scattered bits of thoughts...maybe someday i will get it together and make them right. until then...
leave only footprints.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Ready, Set, I'm Not Ready to Go...
I never thought this would be possible. The girl who is notorious for running away, doesn't want to run anymore. I guess the life long dash shoes I have been sporting have seen the last race for the far off finish line. At least for now. Of course that doesn't mean that I am staying, it just means that for once, I am taking a journey for the right reasons. I am not running, I am not scared. I am ready, and I am coming back.
Of course I will be questioned on this decision to return being based on a guy, or my friends. Parts of it were, I won't hide that. That's not the start or end of it, after all each story deserves to have its full contents spilled.
I have been running, since I was 13 years old. The moment I left for Conserve School, I became a runaway girl. Back then, I was running from the mean girls. I was running from the rude boys. I was running from a home life dynamic that was impossible for me to understand. From then to now, 7 years later, I have been running.
At first it was little things, relationships gone sour, back stabbing-front stabbing former friends, my fear of being a mess. Then the big issues hit, my biological father, fighting to be anything but my mother. I ran and buried most of it. See the more I stayed busy, the more I could run. Sports, theater, school, reading, writing, filled the spaces that should of been left for clarity, calm and realizing that running was the worst thing I could do.
I ran, through four years of high school, and sprinted my way into the wrong college, in the wrong place, for the wrong reasons. See? Running away really never works out.
It took me two years here, to finally step back, pause and realize. What the hell was I still running from? This life belongs to no one but me, the demons I run from, are the demons I allow myself to run from. All of the sorrow, pain, and hurt from the years, can only get to me if I run from it, if I let it get to me. I am not the tragic, wounded, weak girl in the story. I am the stubborn, independant, strong girl, who faces her weakness and never runs. Two years, lots of friends, some much needed family time, and alot of running brought me here.
Now I can say that going to Alaska isn't about running for me. This isn't 7 years ago and this isn't Conserve. This is an escape....I guess if you want to you can say escaping and running are the same thing. Not for me, because I am escaping the running...to run right back here. To a place I never expected to find my peace. Its not permenant, that much I know. But its where I want to finish my degree, start my life, and grow my roots from. With good friends, close family and the chance to finally, put away my running shoes.
Leave only foot prints....
Of course I will be questioned on this decision to return being based on a guy, or my friends. Parts of it were, I won't hide that. That's not the start or end of it, after all each story deserves to have its full contents spilled.
I have been running, since I was 13 years old. The moment I left for Conserve School, I became a runaway girl. Back then, I was running from the mean girls. I was running from the rude boys. I was running from a home life dynamic that was impossible for me to understand. From then to now, 7 years later, I have been running.
At first it was little things, relationships gone sour, back stabbing-front stabbing former friends, my fear of being a mess. Then the big issues hit, my biological father, fighting to be anything but my mother. I ran and buried most of it. See the more I stayed busy, the more I could run. Sports, theater, school, reading, writing, filled the spaces that should of been left for clarity, calm and realizing that running was the worst thing I could do.
I ran, through four years of high school, and sprinted my way into the wrong college, in the wrong place, for the wrong reasons. See? Running away really never works out.
It took me two years here, to finally step back, pause and realize. What the hell was I still running from? This life belongs to no one but me, the demons I run from, are the demons I allow myself to run from. All of the sorrow, pain, and hurt from the years, can only get to me if I run from it, if I let it get to me. I am not the tragic, wounded, weak girl in the story. I am the stubborn, independant, strong girl, who faces her weakness and never runs. Two years, lots of friends, some much needed family time, and alot of running brought me here.
Now I can say that going to Alaska isn't about running for me. This isn't 7 years ago and this isn't Conserve. This is an escape....I guess if you want to you can say escaping and running are the same thing. Not for me, because I am escaping the running...to run right back here. To a place I never expected to find my peace. Its not permenant, that much I know. But its where I want to finish my degree, start my life, and grow my roots from. With good friends, close family and the chance to finally, put away my running shoes.
Leave only foot prints....
Monday, March 2, 2009
Why I Prefer Serving Ice Cream, to Making Collections Calls
Since I carry two full time jobs, in two very different fields I thought I would take sometime to figure out why I prefer sreving ice cream to making daily collections calls.
Ice Cream
My customers are happy to see me.
When I say there will be a charge for extra sprinkles, no yelling, only smiles.
The days are filled with sunshine, happiness and laughter.
The "boss" is a care-free ice cream lover, who gives raises like they are candy.
Crew meetings happen after hours...and work is rarley mentioned
You take your break, when you would like to take your break.
Personal interactions are key, co-workers are supposed to socialize and laugh.
There is no "upper management" if you can make a large cone in 90* weather in July, you are a hero.
When making and serving ice cream, I make peoples day, complete with the cherry on top.
Collections
The customers hate when I call them, whether its 8AM or 8PM.
When late fees are mentioned, lives are threatened.
My days are spent in a cold cubicle, with florescent lighting, and angry people.
The bosses do less then half of what you do, but spend hours on power trips and personal calls.
Team meetings result in repromands, lectures and high school-esq disipline sessions.
Breaks, just like everything else, are scheduled...if you take yours too late or too soon, its your own doom.
Unless you are talking about an account, to the right person, in the right spot. Don't bother making eye contact.
Upper managment makes their own meetings, about their own topics, that really have no relivance to work at all.
When I call to tell people their homes are approaching foreclosure, cars are nearing reposessions, and campers, motorcycles and boats need to be sold to afford the latter....I ruin peoples lives.
Its really sad that the only reason I work for a collections position is because it pays better, and student loans rob me monthly. Oh well, at least in a couple months I will be long gone and in the far north. Living the life I could only dream of when I planted myself here.
as always,
Leave only footprints.
Ice Cream
My customers are happy to see me.
When I say there will be a charge for extra sprinkles, no yelling, only smiles.
The days are filled with sunshine, happiness and laughter.
The "boss" is a care-free ice cream lover, who gives raises like they are candy.
Crew meetings happen after hours...and work is rarley mentioned
You take your break, when you would like to take your break.
Personal interactions are key, co-workers are supposed to socialize and laugh.
There is no "upper management" if you can make a large cone in 90* weather in July, you are a hero.
When making and serving ice cream, I make peoples day, complete with the cherry on top.
Collections
The customers hate when I call them, whether its 8AM or 8PM.
When late fees are mentioned, lives are threatened.
My days are spent in a cold cubicle, with florescent lighting, and angry people.
The bosses do less then half of what you do, but spend hours on power trips and personal calls.
Team meetings result in repromands, lectures and high school-esq disipline sessions.
Breaks, just like everything else, are scheduled...if you take yours too late or too soon, its your own doom.
Unless you are talking about an account, to the right person, in the right spot. Don't bother making eye contact.
Upper managment makes their own meetings, about their own topics, that really have no relivance to work at all.
When I call to tell people their homes are approaching foreclosure, cars are nearing reposessions, and campers, motorcycles and boats need to be sold to afford the latter....I ruin peoples lives.
Its really sad that the only reason I work for a collections position is because it pays better, and student loans rob me monthly. Oh well, at least in a couple months I will be long gone and in the far north. Living the life I could only dream of when I planted myself here.
as always,
Leave only footprints.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Leaving my footprints.
Looking back on some of the decisions I have made over the past few years, sometimes I wonder if I never knew myself at all. There were moments when I was able to say, yes, this is me, who I am, who I shall be. Then there were those moments where I was afraid to admit that those actions may actually be the true definition of who I am.
Today, I did not feel a single one of those moments. The opportunity to go to Alaska has presented itself yet again. This time I know that it is the right direction for my life, and that I truly belong somewhere else than here. India was a journey I should have taken, I know that now. But I live my life in full belief that everything truly happens for a reason.
I have been living my life in a state of "uninspiration." A very dark place for me to be, because I am usually able to find inpiration in hope of the smallest of things. Sunshine, childs laughter, a new book, circles, Lake Superior, even my own day dreams. I have realized though that this lack of passion, drive and creation may be because lately I have been simply drifting along on my own journey. Not allowing myself to truly drown for my very life. Letting others live the perfect, tragic and basic moments for me. Doing as they do, loving when they love, losing when they were already gone....
Never have I been the one to let others control my life. I let this happen in the last few months. Now I am awake and vow to never let my life become a puppet in someone elses again. I guess you can say it was time for me to stop being the camera man and start being the director and leading role in my own life.
Do you ever wonder if a risk, is just a stupid, immature way of being selfish? After all, I want to go to Alaska, I want to move to Seattle, I want to leave this place in the dust for something better. That always illusive greener grass, on the other side of course.
Is it wrong to have the desire to forget parts of your own past? Often for me it is the parts where I chose wrong, opened that 3rd door instead of the 1st. Not that I have done much without my own support, but somedays I just wish I could take back some of the moments where I had to learn, so that I could have just lived.
I have begun to admit to myself that somethings, I just need to seriously take a breath and let go of. Some started as new years resolutions, and others are just simply the reality that I have been avoiding. Call this my own personal purging of nightmares, fears, and moments gone to the tragic...
Waiting for my father to be a part of my life. It hasn't happened, it never was meant to be, it will never happen. I must stop grasping on to the idea that one day he will wake up a changed man and want to be the man he was supposed to be in my life.
Being mad at my mother for not talking to me about my father. Obviously that part of her past hurts her, and I should not want her to relive her pain so that I may one day be able to let go of mine.
Hoping, wishing, wanting our friendship to be what it used to be. I broke the puzzle, lost the pieces and there is no way for us to find our way together again. I will always hope for you.
Crying during movies. (yeah right, I will always do this. its a part of who I am)
Being upset because I chose the wrong college in the wrong place the first time around. Mistakes are a token part of every life. This is one I can make right the second time.
Letting my dreams scare me. Just because they feel impossible today, does not mean that tomorrow I cannot take a single step towards the possibility of my future.
Believing that who someone appears to be on the surface truly defines who their true soul equates them to me. The book should never be judged by its cover. People should not be trusted on the superficial level.
Dying my hair so that I do not look like my mother. She is beautiful, part of me is part of her. Might as well embrace that now, after all she has aged well. I love her.
Not being my brothers older sister. Sometimes I have to realize that I am not the bestfriend, and do have a responsibilty to be an influental part of their lives and help them to become the best possible versions of themselves.
Allowing myself to feel broken, ashamed, afraid, lost, unwanted or meaningless because of the latest boy I attempted to give my everything too. There will be one someday, that will see me for who I truly have always been. Until then, I will keep on kissing the frogs I suppose.
Of course with all of things I have to let go of. Some I will always hold on to.
My full range of emotions. Call me dramatic, call me extreme, call me a mess. Yet living my life in a variety of emotions allows me to feel.
Reading everything, two, five, eleven times. If I loved it the first time chances are I will find my way back to reading it again. Simply as a reminder of the things that mean something.
Wanting to have a close family, and a place to call home. Even though I have only ever laid my entire life down in two places it is nice to know that at least one should always be there for me to return to.
Listening to Jake Walden when I write. His music offers me the sense of clarity that I need when the world has gotten to me, and I have lost my own hope in it all.
Conserve School. The place, although it has begun to fade will always hold my most defining moments. The foundation for who I have become to this point, are there. The people are the ones I count on, and know will always take care of my heart and soul when it is needed. Our dream, our school, our future.
My passion for writing. I may never become a best seller, or make it in the outdoor/nature writing circut. But I have to try. (Yes, this is a dream I am very much of afraid of.)
Appreciating things that may be a bit old fashion. 1st editions of books, bicycles, real photographs, black and white movies, cds, bottles of soda, wall paper, acoustic guitars, the meaning of family, and the truth of love.
The desire to leave this all behind. I will never be content with living my life until I have attempted the things I have always wanted to. This includes, but is not limited to....
sky diving, going to outer space, wanting a to name someone daisy, traveling india, italy, alaska, tibet, iceland, korea, germany, sailing for months, becoming a wind energy tech, writing a whole book, learning how to bake like my dayma, bungee jumping, backpacking for a year, starting and finishing an actual college degree, making my own clothes, growing my own food, being unafraid to cry infront of people, acting, playing my guitar, and even, being able to have pride in the life journey I choose to take.
For now I can be content knowing that I have the strength to turn the next page in my life, and the ability to know that at the end of it all, I will be simply me.
Leaving only footprints.
Today, I did not feel a single one of those moments. The opportunity to go to Alaska has presented itself yet again. This time I know that it is the right direction for my life, and that I truly belong somewhere else than here. India was a journey I should have taken, I know that now. But I live my life in full belief that everything truly happens for a reason.
I have been living my life in a state of "uninspiration." A very dark place for me to be, because I am usually able to find inpiration in hope of the smallest of things. Sunshine, childs laughter, a new book, circles, Lake Superior, even my own day dreams. I have realized though that this lack of passion, drive and creation may be because lately I have been simply drifting along on my own journey. Not allowing myself to truly drown for my very life. Letting others live the perfect, tragic and basic moments for me. Doing as they do, loving when they love, losing when they were already gone....
Never have I been the one to let others control my life. I let this happen in the last few months. Now I am awake and vow to never let my life become a puppet in someone elses again. I guess you can say it was time for me to stop being the camera man and start being the director and leading role in my own life.
Do you ever wonder if a risk, is just a stupid, immature way of being selfish? After all, I want to go to Alaska, I want to move to Seattle, I want to leave this place in the dust for something better. That always illusive greener grass, on the other side of course.
Is it wrong to have the desire to forget parts of your own past? Often for me it is the parts where I chose wrong, opened that 3rd door instead of the 1st. Not that I have done much without my own support, but somedays I just wish I could take back some of the moments where I had to learn, so that I could have just lived.
I have begun to admit to myself that somethings, I just need to seriously take a breath and let go of. Some started as new years resolutions, and others are just simply the reality that I have been avoiding. Call this my own personal purging of nightmares, fears, and moments gone to the tragic...
Waiting for my father to be a part of my life. It hasn't happened, it never was meant to be, it will never happen. I must stop grasping on to the idea that one day he will wake up a changed man and want to be the man he was supposed to be in my life.
Being mad at my mother for not talking to me about my father. Obviously that part of her past hurts her, and I should not want her to relive her pain so that I may one day be able to let go of mine.
Hoping, wishing, wanting our friendship to be what it used to be. I broke the puzzle, lost the pieces and there is no way for us to find our way together again. I will always hope for you.
Crying during movies. (yeah right, I will always do this. its a part of who I am)
Being upset because I chose the wrong college in the wrong place the first time around. Mistakes are a token part of every life. This is one I can make right the second time.
Letting my dreams scare me. Just because they feel impossible today, does not mean that tomorrow I cannot take a single step towards the possibility of my future.
Believing that who someone appears to be on the surface truly defines who their true soul equates them to me. The book should never be judged by its cover. People should not be trusted on the superficial level.
Dying my hair so that I do not look like my mother. She is beautiful, part of me is part of her. Might as well embrace that now, after all she has aged well. I love her.
Not being my brothers older sister. Sometimes I have to realize that I am not the bestfriend, and do have a responsibilty to be an influental part of their lives and help them to become the best possible versions of themselves.
Allowing myself to feel broken, ashamed, afraid, lost, unwanted or meaningless because of the latest boy I attempted to give my everything too. There will be one someday, that will see me for who I truly have always been. Until then, I will keep on kissing the frogs I suppose.
Of course with all of things I have to let go of. Some I will always hold on to.
My full range of emotions. Call me dramatic, call me extreme, call me a mess. Yet living my life in a variety of emotions allows me to feel.
Reading everything, two, five, eleven times. If I loved it the first time chances are I will find my way back to reading it again. Simply as a reminder of the things that mean something.
Wanting to have a close family, and a place to call home. Even though I have only ever laid my entire life down in two places it is nice to know that at least one should always be there for me to return to.
Listening to Jake Walden when I write. His music offers me the sense of clarity that I need when the world has gotten to me, and I have lost my own hope in it all.
Conserve School. The place, although it has begun to fade will always hold my most defining moments. The foundation for who I have become to this point, are there. The people are the ones I count on, and know will always take care of my heart and soul when it is needed. Our dream, our school, our future.
My passion for writing. I may never become a best seller, or make it in the outdoor/nature writing circut. But I have to try. (Yes, this is a dream I am very much of afraid of.)
Appreciating things that may be a bit old fashion. 1st editions of books, bicycles, real photographs, black and white movies, cds, bottles of soda, wall paper, acoustic guitars, the meaning of family, and the truth of love.
The desire to leave this all behind. I will never be content with living my life until I have attempted the things I have always wanted to. This includes, but is not limited to....
sky diving, going to outer space, wanting a to name someone daisy, traveling india, italy, alaska, tibet, iceland, korea, germany, sailing for months, becoming a wind energy tech, writing a whole book, learning how to bake like my dayma, bungee jumping, backpacking for a year, starting and finishing an actual college degree, making my own clothes, growing my own food, being unafraid to cry infront of people, acting, playing my guitar, and even, being able to have pride in the life journey I choose to take.
For now I can be content knowing that I have the strength to turn the next page in my life, and the ability to know that at the end of it all, I will be simply me.
Leaving only footprints.
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