I never thought this would be possible. The girl who is notorious for running away, doesn't want to run anymore. I guess the life long dash shoes I have been sporting have seen the last race for the far off finish line. At least for now. Of course that doesn't mean that I am staying, it just means that for once, I am taking a journey for the right reasons. I am not running, I am not scared. I am ready, and I am coming back.
Of course I will be questioned on this decision to return being based on a guy, or my friends. Parts of it were, I won't hide that. That's not the start or end of it, after all each story deserves to have its full contents spilled.
I have been running, since I was 13 years old. The moment I left for Conserve School, I became a runaway girl. Back then, I was running from the mean girls. I was running from the rude boys. I was running from a home life dynamic that was impossible for me to understand. From then to now, 7 years later, I have been running.
At first it was little things, relationships gone sour, back stabbing-front stabbing former friends, my fear of being a mess. Then the big issues hit, my biological father, fighting to be anything but my mother. I ran and buried most of it. See the more I stayed busy, the more I could run. Sports, theater, school, reading, writing, filled the spaces that should of been left for clarity, calm and realizing that running was the worst thing I could do.
I ran, through four years of high school, and sprinted my way into the wrong college, in the wrong place, for the wrong reasons. See? Running away really never works out.
It took me two years here, to finally step back, pause and realize. What the hell was I still running from? This life belongs to no one but me, the demons I run from, are the demons I allow myself to run from. All of the sorrow, pain, and hurt from the years, can only get to me if I run from it, if I let it get to me. I am not the tragic, wounded, weak girl in the story. I am the stubborn, independant, strong girl, who faces her weakness and never runs. Two years, lots of friends, some much needed family time, and alot of running brought me here.
Now I can say that going to Alaska isn't about running for me. This isn't 7 years ago and this isn't Conserve. This is an escape....I guess if you want to you can say escaping and running are the same thing. Not for me, because I am escaping the running...to run right back here. To a place I never expected to find my peace. Its not permenant, that much I know. But its where I want to finish my degree, start my life, and grow my roots from. With good friends, close family and the chance to finally, put away my running shoes.
Leave only foot prints....
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